Surviving the everyday walk of life? Then ring Dave . . .

PUBLISHED: 17:21 27 May 2009 | UPDATED: 10:30 12 August 2010

THOSE MPs revealed to have been playing fast and loose with our cash are likely to be ousted by Tory leader David Cameron as fast as we can say duck island, pot pourri, luxury farmhouse in Rye, loo roll holder and castle moat.



THOSE MPs revealed to have been playing fast and loose with our cash are likely to be ousted by Tory leader David Cameron as fast as we can say duck island, pot pourri, luxury farmhouse in Rye, loo roll holder and castle moat.

Dave said he was planning a huge shake up among his party in Westminster because of the great expenses scandal and in a bid to present a new integrity-led style of Conservatism he hoped to recruit, as candidates at the next election, 'more people from everyday walks of life', adding cheerfully 'they don't even have to have been a member of the Party.'

An interesting decision then and one he has announced to the electorate a darn sight quicker than Gordon Brown who is still scratching his head and reeling in disappointment over his cabinet minister the diminutive Hazel 'Flippin' Blears who changed home three times in a year and didn't cough up any capital gains tax.

But just what this 'everyday walk of life' is that Dave refers to is I've never yet discovered. These days we only have to take two steps outside of the front door and some kind of frustration masquerading as normality (everyday) is likely to occur.

For example now we wait until gone 10am before the postman arrives. I recall the 7.30am drop before I left for work but why pine for efficiency when the postal service obviously does not? Mind you we have to make sure we've got the right size stamp for the right size envelope these days - makes all the difference we're told. (Please don't write in and explain any Royal Mail reasonings as I've only got one life). Then there's the other kind of things that are 'everyday' inclusive which us 'every-dayers' have got used to accommodating and blending into our social and moral fabric.

All useful stuff I mean, expensively legislated and introduced by politicians keen to make their mark. For instance today we can get into trouble with the local council for putting the wrong colour rubbish sack out for collection, green or black what's the difference? Someone must know? We get on telephonic merry-go-rounds with suspicious doctors' receptionists who forget to log appointments for us via a cyber data-base and then deny it when we show up for our consultation and tell us the doctor's gone out.

Don't forget, too, the enragements over parking issues, the wearisome task of ambushing stroppy bank staff over costly administrative foul ups, and then there's the serious decision to make over the worthiness of wearing a cycling helmet when on two wheels. In general we're so busy policing and imposing some kind of personal standard on our day there's not a lot of comfort in the idea there's anything 'every' about it. No one really wants to mark their days with this kind of mediocre minutiae. It's kind of non-every we tolerate that's best interpreted as 'the really maddening walk of life'.

It's like living in East Berlin before the wall came down. Smiling too because we're on CCTV.

Coping with regular supplies of irritations like those mentioned and adopting a positive philosophy to go beyond whole heaps of recession inspired strife (not to mention the bureaucracy) is making Mr, Mrs, Miss and Ms Average who we are today. Dave artfully realises how recognising this kind of grassroots courage and steadfastness among us tolerant souls could help propel him into number 10.

What he feels about the celebrities who have piped up about standing for election as Independents has yet to be revealed. Is Westminster ready for an array of glitterati to gatecrash what Gordon Brown admitted was some kind of 'gentleman's club'? (A reputation he now hopes to admonish)

The journalist and child protection campaigner, Esther Rantzen, reckons she's in with a chance of a seat in the House. She wouldn't be the first journalist to make a stand and use her experience as a truth gatherer to represent the people. Former television reporter Martin Bell (remember he of the white suit?) is also reconsidering going back onto the green benches if we'll vote for him. Ironic how the MP he famously ousted years ago for the Tatton seat was the disgraced Tory Neil Hamilton who along with battleaxe wife, Christine, have formed a celebrity duo in their own right and appear in pantomime whenever they can. There's a lot to be said for experience. That's their 'walk of life' from both sides of the fence.

On the celebrity front I am waiting to see who else will come forward. TV's Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle, famed for her frugal way of living, might be a choice for the Chancery and become the real Prudence in Gordon Brown's life as someone who practices what he used to preach?

I'd like to see Aussie aesthete, female impersonator, artist, reformed drinker, writer, and antique bibliophile, Barry Humphries stand as a future culture minister. The man has a genius for cheering us up, dahlings.

We'd get some straight talking from the veteran broadcaster and BBC Radio 4 Today journalist/presenter John Humphries. He has a valuable lifetime's experience of steering professional politicians straight bang smack into the hard, cold and dangerous barrier reef of honesty if they're not on message as much as they thought.

And for the job of Prime Minister if Dave or Gordon don't make it next time around? There's always the brilliant, amazingly high IQ-ed Dame Joanna Lovely and her Gurkha nobles representing the 'Actions Speak Louder than Words Party'. Keep the faith.

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